Monday, August 06, 2007

Intermitent

This title pretty much describes my posting on this blog, and my reading of other peoples blogs. It isn't something completely intentional. I don't post for a few days and then.... I find its been two weeks since I last published a blog post, and then as often as not that I have posted hardly at all in the last three to four weeks. And such is the case this time.

Then I do as I am doing now and write a post about it. I do so because this pattern is a bit of a puzzle, largely because I have things to write about and post but when I have time to post I have no desire to do so, and when I am busy with other things my mind is full of ideas. For example I have been working on a post on Oscar Wilde for weeks, its still just a draft amongst my posts and its not the only draft sitting there.

Part of it is that I am very much aware of the public nature of this medium, and that does effect what I write here. What I do or do not write here can effect people I know. That thought can be paralyzing, especially when I have no desire to write here that which might be silly or inconsequential. My words have consequences and although at the moment those consequences are limited they are very real.

Writing this I think I have discovered the cause of my recent slowdown in blog posts. At the beginning of July I discovered that a post I made quite awhile ago had hurt someone close to me and it had taken them a long time to ask me about it. It was mainly a misunderstanding and a feeling that I had spoken ill of something they not only held dear but also believe in quite strongly. And I found myself in a peculiar situation, sorry that I had offended and hurt this person but not sorry for what I wrote, nor the opinion I expressed and continue to hold.

This has probably effected my posting not so much because of the disagreement and hurt, but because had I said what I said to the particular individual in person, I probably would have known more or less immediately the effect of my comment. But also what I wrote was not directed at the individual effected, in fact I was simply expressing my opinion about the state of American Christianity using an experience and a group of Christians we held in common. At times the idea that these words of mine simply sit out there and it seems that at least at times it takes awhile for the effects of these worlds to come home to roost. That is a daunting thought for this introvert who uses this blog to explore his thoughts, many of which are formed in the process of posting, like has happened with this very blog post.

I knew there was something to my not posting in the last couple weeks and to the current infrequency of posts, I just couldn't put my finger on it until I started typing.

Weighing ones words as you are exploring new thought territory can be exhausting work, work I at times simply don't have the energy for even if I have things I want to write about.

I brood. At times I like to brood in this "space", but this is very public place to do so. It reminds me of my experience of the poetry scene Kate and I were a part of in LA, Poetic License. I loved the reading, enjoyed the people, but there was this expectation of regular reading, or at least I felt pressure to do so. Sometimes I wanted to spend several readings in a row simply letting the words of poetry wash over me, and interact little with the other poets. Brooding in public is often frowned upon. This is perhaps another reason why I like Goth clubs: brooding is completely acceptable and no one expects you to be particularly social or cheery. If you want you can dance the night away or sit in a dark corner of the club and no one will bother you. It is quite wonderful. Which reminds me it has been far too long since I have been to a club. There is a new Goth club in Chicago on Tuesday nights that I have yet been to, that is a situation that needs to be repaired.

So, ya if there is nothing new here for a few weeks, just know that I am off brooding and/or dancing the night away amongst my fellow Goths. I'll be back sooner or latter, sometimes its best not to brood in public or do it where no one will mind.